Abundance Party vs. Scarcity Party

I read this this morning in Oliver DeMille's book FreedomShift. He is speaking of changing our mentality from Republican versus Democrat and other battlegrounds we find that are not really the point of the disagreement in our society. He says the two real sides that are battling are the Scarcity Party (characterized by Anger and Fear) and the Abundance Party (characterized by hope and helpfulness.) I love this:

“The Scarcity Party sees a world of battling, competition, scarcity, winning or losing, and always trying to get ahead. Its members see others as either potential mates or potential enemies. They quickly notice differences between people, and they seek to get themselves and those in their group (family, race, religion, faction, nation, etc.) ahead of everyone else. They want others to lose more, and for their own to win more.

In their anger and fear, they avoid pain, push for whatever they think will benefit them, and are willing to step on others to get what they want. The Angry & Afraid Scarcity Party has a long and sad history of causing, escalating, and reliving most of the problems in world history. They are the Manipulators and Destroyers.

In contrast, the Hopeful & Helpful members of the Abundance Party spend their lives trying to help people, improve themselves, and seek better lives and a better world. Because they are not afraid, it is fine with them if others don’t support them or do something different. They are secure.

For the Abundance Party, life is not about themselves. Yes, it is about becoming better; but even this goal is a means to helping the world improve. If they were angry, they would expect everyone else to join them in fixing the world, and even try to use the force of government to require charity. But they are content to do their own work of improving the world and helping others, inspiring and urging them to be and do their best through exemplary leadership, rather than expend angry energy trying to force others to change... [The Hopeful and Helpful do nearly all the good in organizations and groups; the Angry and Afraid cause nearly all the problems.]”

I would recommend the whole book and was particularly inspired by the last chapter which is where I found this material.

The Plan

This is more extensive than what I do with Amy, but these are the ideas I worked on. Through each category, the number stays the same. So disadvantage #1 goes with option #1. Make sense?

SITUATION: Giving instructions to Amy and Noel to do morning routine (breakfast, clear dishes, get dressed, jammies in hamper, comb hair) and chores (one in bedroom like make bed or clean up a few things, one other).

OPTIONS:
1. Get angry and mean. Coerce and threaten.
2. Casually give instructions while doing other things and forget to follow through.
3. Prepare kids and myself for giving instructions. Require eye contact from kids and self. Follow through. Praise a lot. Be involved. Make sure the child knows how to follow the instruction and that she has heard it.
4. Instruct Amy and Noel through the process together.
5. Instruct each child separately.

 DISADVANTAGES:
 1. I hate this. I don't believe in it. I don't feel good when I do it. The kids don't learn what is expected or how to be self-governed. I hurt their feelings. I set a bad example. I teach them how to treat me and each other. I lose self-respect. I develop a habit of micro-managing. Negative atmosphere. Battle ground instead of team work.
2. Takes FOREVER. Kids feel no need to follow through. Helping the kids feels like a burden, pulling me away from what I want to do.
3. Requires so much patience. It's precise - requires a lot out of each of us. Feels petty and nit-picky to have the child to EVERY step of the process EVERY time. (I still think it is good; I just struggle when they don't obey one little part and I feel the need to enforce it. We're all still learning the process.) It is particularly hard to get Amy to make and maintain eye contact, even when she's listening and ready to obey. I really have to change gears and get little or nothing else done during that time.
4. Sometimes both kids need help, attention, or instructions at the same time. Making one wait messes up the flow and gets them distracted.
5. Takes so long. It would be frustrating for me to feel like I wasn't getting anything done. Impractical if we have to go anywhere.

ADVANTAGES:
1. Sometimes gets quick obedience. It is the path of least resistance to follow my impulses.
2. I get stuff done. My anxiety is low. I don't feel tempted to nag or micro-manage.
3. Self-respect. I learn. My kids learn. We will get better at this. It is best in the long run. I am more kind, calm, and loving. Expectations are established up front. It's predictable. We all learn to be self-governed. The kids are enabled to take responsibility.
4. Keeps it productive. Less time for the whole process. I can alternate between children as neither needs constant supervision in obeying the instructions.
5. Follow through is immediate. Kids may stay more focused.

SOLUTION:
Most of the time, I would like to choose a combination of 3 and 4. In other words, I would like to work with both girls at the same time (alternating between them who I help, instruct, inspect the work of, administer consequences to, etc.). I would like to prepare everyone before hand and require that they accept instructions immediately or disagree appropriately, follow through, and report. Any consequences earned are also dealt with as quickly as possible. Even when children choose to not obey, I stay calm, knowing we have a plan in place and that I can follow the consequences we have set in place.


Making the plan helps. Here's hoping for my self-control with my thoughts, feelings, and impulses.

Making a Plan

In Recovery we learn to make plans and decisions to prepare for situations. This helps us choose better what would be good for us and our mental health.

Today, after I don't know how many days in a row of frustration with giving instructions and having them be ignored and struggling to stay calm, I decided to make a plan.

I have been working with Amy (and sometimes Noel) on behaviors by doing SODAS. These are exercise where we discuss advantages and disadvantages of certain options in a given situation. I decided to do this exercise myself to think clearly about my choices when giving instructions.

I am specifically struggling to stay calm and follow through when giving instructions about morning routines and chores. I have struggled with frustration and self-doubt and anger and blame through day after day of giving instructions and being argued with or not obeyed. Whatever I do, I wonder if it is a good way or if I am doing it right.

I read a great book with many applications of parenting principles that I am trying to implement. I really like it and results we are seeing. The hardest part during these daily struggles with morning routine and chores is lowering my tolerances, following through, staying calm, and avoiding the temptation to micro-manage. Today I was thinking how much I wanted the  children to take responsibility and obey and wondering all along if my micro-managing was hindering their learning responsibility and my not always following through sabotaging their feeling of needing to obey.

More About Blessings

I have heard the idea that you can write your own blessing. (At first, I thought someone was preaching some crazy false doctrine, but now I understand the concept better.) Here's the process as I see it:

Decide what blessing you want, what you are seeking. Search the scriptures to look for that blessing, and then look for the commandment upon which the blessing is predicated.

Then you can write out to yourself blessings you want to receive as well as the commandments the Lord is asking you to keep in order to receive those blessings. You can even write it out as promises from the Lord directly to you, like you receive when you receive a priesthood blessing.

I believe this can apply not just to spiritual attributes but to other blessings we seek including temporal blessings. When we seek a blessing to which the scriptures do not refer, we can find what principle is behind it or what type of blessing it is and seek to learn what commandments can lead to those blessings. It may not be as straightforward a process as looking for the blessings that are directly mentioned, but I believe God wants to bless us with abundance and with our desires and that we can learn how to qualify for those blessings through finding principles in the scriptures.

Why We Talk So Much About Promised Blessings

Sometimes I wonder why we talk so much in church about the blessings we receive for keeping commandments. I have wondered if it is to motivate us to obey when we are not altruistic or loving God enough to obey anyway. That didn't sound very awesome. Like we are kids that have to be bribed and rewarded every time we do anything good in order to obey.

Instead, I think we learn about choices and consequences more when we know the blessings that are promised. And God wants us to learn about choices and consequences. They are eternal, unchanging principles that are an essential part of His plan. He wants us to have blessings and rewards; they are part of what prepare us for eternal life and for mortal trials and joys. I am struck with the idea that the blessings may be just as much a part of our learning and development as the obedience.

God wants to give us the blessings but must wait until we obey so that the blessing won't be lost on us or taken for granted.

This shift in my thinking could benefit how I see rewarding my children as well. In our home, we practice offering set consequences and occasional spontaneous rewards while seeking to limit bribes intended to manipulate. Like the blessings God gives us which help us feel joy and become better, our consequences for our children should help them develop and have joy, not take away from their goodness or progress.

Now if Only I had Prepared this Answer Before Teaching Middle School

The question, “When will I ever use this in real life?” is completely the wrong question. That’s not that relevant to a good education. If the material is valuable, focused on truth and principles, the answer is, “All the time, every day, because it will make you a better person and help you reach your potential and fulfill the mission you came to earth to fulfill.” Even material that seems irrelevant to a person’s character that is focused on finding truth helps a person develop their character.

Enablement, Entitlement, Self-Government

Matt and I were talking (mostly me) just now about self-government and entitlement vs. enablement.

In Nehemiah 9, when the children of Israel did not want full responsibility for their hardships, they sought bondage and leaders to take the responsibility for them. They wanted a king (in their sins, it says) and a captain to return to their bondage (in their rebellion.) Why on earth would they want to return to their bondage? I think they wanted security.

It brought me to think about the principle. When a person governs themselves, they are able to achieve great things or not; it is up to them. But when the person (or people) give the government of themselves to someone else, they give up choice. They do not get to choose to reach their potential or to live as they please. They may be happy to give up the hard responsibilities, but what else are they giving up at the same time? When they give up the responsibility for their governance to someone else, they are then entitled to help from their govern-or. They feel that entitlement. It allows them to give away more responsibility. This can be both the responsibility that means hard work and the responsibility that means accountability for the choices a person makes and the consequences that follow.

It seems that the opposite of entitlement then is enabling. When we choose to govern ourselves, to take responsibility for our choices and their consequences, we are enabled. We are so much more free to influence our life and environment, to choose what we want in it and what we don’t. While we don’t always choose the best, we can accept the consequences that come as our own doing. Through our choices, we have invited the consequences and take responsibility for them. This seems to me such a happier way to live than the alternative. Sure it is harder and braver but so much happier.

Grace includes enabling power that comes from Christ’s atonement. Part of governing ourselves and being governed by God is applying the atonement. This allows us to repent and to gain strength and enabling power which helps us choose and choose well. We can then overcome the natural man and its tendencies.  

Somewhere in all this is knowledge and truth. We are more enabled to be self-governed, to see clearly and take responsibility, to influence our lives and environment when we have knowledge and truth to help us see. So a price must be paid to gain the knowledge and find the truth in order that we may have the tools to truly be self-governed.

Matt suggested that entitlement is not always bad. When we are on the Lord’s errand we are entitled to His blessing and help. When we keep certain commandments, we are entitled to certain blessings. This seems to me to mean that in these cases, we are really giving the governing of ourselves to the Lord and are then entitled to the help that comes from His taking the responsibility over us. He’s the only one I want to give the government of myself over to. In fact, I’d like to give it all over to Him and not hang onto any of it myself. While governing myself sounds good and noble, it doesn’t sound as good as truly allowing Him to govern me. Still, that is no passive thing. As I learn to govern myself, I believe I become more able to turn my will over to God’s. This includes resisting the lies Satan and others tell. In no way do I want to be governed by him.

This also teaches me the importance of seeing clear consequences that match choices. Whenever we obey laws and principles higher than ourselves, laws that are unchangeable truths, there are consequences that follow. As we learn to keep those laws, we are entitled to the consequences that follow. That is why it is so important for children to learn consistent consequences for choices. Some choices don’t have consistent consequences. It’s not always cut and dry. Sometimes in primary we make it sound like if you always choose the right you’ll always be happy and that all positive choices only have positive consequences. That’s not always true of course. Sometimes people lie and get away with it or tell the truth and get punished. The truth (I think) is that there are positive and negative consequences for most choices, but the path to the greatest happiness is through choosing the right. Children learn to be self-governed as they learn consistent consequences. They can know that when they make certain choices they are entitled to certain consequences. That gives them some security (a safer kind of security, a more true kind, than the one I mentioned above.) It is enabling to know the consequences of the choices you desire to make. I think children learn to govern themselves by seeing the connection between choices and consequences.

I want to be free.