This is more extensive than what I do with Amy, but these are the ideas I worked on. Through each category, the number stays the same. So disadvantage #1 goes with option #1. Make sense?
SITUATION: Giving instructions to Amy and Noel to do morning routine (breakfast, clear dishes, get dressed, jammies in hamper, comb hair) and chores (one in bedroom like make bed or clean up a few things, one other).
OPTIONS:
1. Get angry and mean. Coerce and threaten.
2. Casually give instructions while doing other things and forget to follow through.
3. Prepare kids and myself for giving instructions. Require eye contact from kids and self. Follow through. Praise a lot. Be involved. Make sure the child knows how to follow the instruction and that she has heard it.
4. Instruct Amy and Noel through the process together.
5. Instruct each child separately.
DISADVANTAGES:
1. I hate this. I don't believe in it. I don't feel good when I do it. The kids don't learn what is expected or how to be self-governed. I hurt their feelings. I set a bad example. I teach them how to treat me and each other. I lose self-respect. I develop a habit of micro-managing. Negative atmosphere. Battle ground instead of team work.
2. Takes FOREVER. Kids feel no need to follow through. Helping the kids feels like a burden, pulling me away from what I want to do.
3. Requires so much patience. It's precise - requires a lot out of each of us. Feels petty and nit-picky to have the child to EVERY step of the process EVERY time. (I still think it is good; I just struggle when they don't obey one little part and I feel the need to enforce it. We're all still learning the process.) It is particularly hard to get Amy to make and maintain eye contact, even when she's listening and ready to obey. I really have to change gears and get little or nothing else done during that time.
4. Sometimes both kids need help, attention, or instructions at the same time. Making one wait messes up the flow and gets them distracted.
5. Takes so long. It would be frustrating for me to feel like I wasn't getting anything done. Impractical if we have to go anywhere.
ADVANTAGES:
1. Sometimes gets quick obedience. It is the path of least resistance to follow my impulses.
2. I get stuff done. My anxiety is low. I don't feel tempted to nag or micro-manage.
3. Self-respect. I learn. My kids learn. We will get better at this. It is best in the long run. I am more kind, calm, and loving. Expectations are established up front. It's predictable. We all learn to be self-governed. The kids are enabled to take responsibility.
4. Keeps it productive. Less time for the whole process. I can alternate between children as neither needs constant supervision in obeying the instructions.
5. Follow through is immediate. Kids may stay more focused.
SOLUTION:
Most of the time, I would like to choose a combination of 3 and 4. In other words, I would like to work with both girls at the same time (alternating between them who I help, instruct, inspect the work of, administer consequences to, etc.). I would like to prepare everyone before hand and require that they accept instructions immediately or disagree appropriately, follow through, and report. Any consequences earned are also dealt with as quickly as possible. Even when children choose to not obey, I stay calm, knowing we have a plan in place and that I can follow the consequences we have set in place.
Making the plan helps. Here's hoping for my self-control with my thoughts, feelings, and impulses.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Making a Plan
In Recovery we learn to make plans and decisions to prepare for situations. This helps us choose better what would be good for us and our mental health.
Today, after I don't know how many days in a row of frustration with giving instructions and having them be ignored and struggling to stay calm, I decided to make a plan.
I have been working with Amy (and sometimes Noel) on behaviors by doing SODAS. These are exercise where we discuss advantages and disadvantages of certain options in a given situation. I decided to do this exercise myself to think clearly about my choices when giving instructions.
I am specifically struggling to stay calm and follow through when giving instructions about morning routines and chores. I have struggled with frustration and self-doubt and anger and blame through day after day of giving instructions and being argued with or not obeyed. Whatever I do, I wonder if it is a good way or if I am doing it right.
I read a great book with many applications of parenting principles that I am trying to implement. I really like it and results we are seeing. The hardest part during these daily struggles with morning routine and chores is lowering my tolerances, following through, staying calm, and avoiding the temptation to micro-manage. Today I was thinking how much I wanted the children to take responsibility and obey and wondering all along if my micro-managing was hindering their learning responsibility and my not always following through sabotaging their feeling of needing to obey.
Today, after I don't know how many days in a row of frustration with giving instructions and having them be ignored and struggling to stay calm, I decided to make a plan.
I have been working with Amy (and sometimes Noel) on behaviors by doing SODAS. These are exercise where we discuss advantages and disadvantages of certain options in a given situation. I decided to do this exercise myself to think clearly about my choices when giving instructions.
I am specifically struggling to stay calm and follow through when giving instructions about morning routines and chores. I have struggled with frustration and self-doubt and anger and blame through day after day of giving instructions and being argued with or not obeyed. Whatever I do, I wonder if it is a good way or if I am doing it right.
I read a great book with many applications of parenting principles that I am trying to implement. I really like it and results we are seeing. The hardest part during these daily struggles with morning routine and chores is lowering my tolerances, following through, staying calm, and avoiding the temptation to micro-manage. Today I was thinking how much I wanted the children to take responsibility and obey and wondering all along if my micro-managing was hindering their learning responsibility and my not always following through sabotaging their feeling of needing to obey.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
More About Blessings
I have heard the idea that you can write your own blessing. (At first, I thought someone was preaching some crazy false doctrine, but now I understand the concept better.) Here's the process as I see it:
Decide what blessing you want, what you are seeking. Search the scriptures to look for that blessing, and then look for the commandment upon which the blessing is predicated.
Then you can write out to yourself blessings you want to receive as well as the commandments the Lord is asking you to keep in order to receive those blessings. You can even write it out as promises from the Lord directly to you, like you receive when you receive a priesthood blessing.
I believe this can apply not just to spiritual attributes but to other blessings we seek including temporal blessings. When we seek a blessing to which the scriptures do not refer, we can find what principle is behind it or what type of blessing it is and seek to learn what commandments can lead to those blessings. It may not be as straightforward a process as looking for the blessings that are directly mentioned, but I believe God wants to bless us with abundance and with our desires and that we can learn how to qualify for those blessings through finding principles in the scriptures.
Decide what blessing you want, what you are seeking. Search the scriptures to look for that blessing, and then look for the commandment upon which the blessing is predicated.
Then you can write out to yourself blessings you want to receive as well as the commandments the Lord is asking you to keep in order to receive those blessings. You can even write it out as promises from the Lord directly to you, like you receive when you receive a priesthood blessing.
I believe this can apply not just to spiritual attributes but to other blessings we seek including temporal blessings. When we seek a blessing to which the scriptures do not refer, we can find what principle is behind it or what type of blessing it is and seek to learn what commandments can lead to those blessings. It may not be as straightforward a process as looking for the blessings that are directly mentioned, but I believe God wants to bless us with abundance and with our desires and that we can learn how to qualify for those blessings through finding principles in the scriptures.
Why We Talk So Much About Promised Blessings
Sometimes I wonder why we talk so much in church about the blessings we receive for keeping commandments. I have wondered if it is to motivate us to obey when we are not altruistic or loving God enough to obey anyway. That didn't sound very awesome. Like we are kids that have to be bribed and rewarded every time we do anything good in order to obey.
Instead, I think we learn about choices and consequences more when we know the blessings that are promised. And God wants us to learn about choices and consequences. They are eternal, unchanging principles that are an essential part of His plan. He wants us to have blessings and rewards; they are part of what prepare us for eternal life and for mortal trials and joys. I am struck with the idea that the blessings may be just as much a part of our learning and development as the obedience.
God wants to give us the blessings but must wait until we obey so that the blessing won't be lost on us or taken for granted.
This shift in my thinking could benefit how I see rewarding my children as well. In our home, we practice offering set consequences and occasional spontaneous rewards while seeking to limit bribes intended to manipulate. Like the blessings God gives us which help us feel joy and become better, our consequences for our children should help them develop and have joy, not take away from their goodness or progress.
Instead, I think we learn about choices and consequences more when we know the blessings that are promised. And God wants us to learn about choices and consequences. They are eternal, unchanging principles that are an essential part of His plan. He wants us to have blessings and rewards; they are part of what prepare us for eternal life and for mortal trials and joys. I am struck with the idea that the blessings may be just as much a part of our learning and development as the obedience.
God wants to give us the blessings but must wait until we obey so that the blessing won't be lost on us or taken for granted.
This shift in my thinking could benefit how I see rewarding my children as well. In our home, we practice offering set consequences and occasional spontaneous rewards while seeking to limit bribes intended to manipulate. Like the blessings God gives us which help us feel joy and become better, our consequences for our children should help them develop and have joy, not take away from their goodness or progress.
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